Men Are Stupid
by Lonicera Japonica
Summary: Nami, who sails the seas with some of the dumbest boys in existence, really needs a fellow female to share her troubles with. But with no other girls on the crew, who can she turn to?


Every once in a while, Nami needed to have a good "men are stupid" rant. She had, after all, grown up in the company of some excruciatingly stupid men. Nojiko had always been willing to listen and agree whenever Nami felt the need to let loose about the idiotic antics of the men she worked with, and even when she was out sailing the seas in search of treasure, females with whom to share in the agony of a male-dominated existence were readily available.

However, times had changed. Nami was now sailing on a ship with four of what were, without a doubt, the dumbest men on the Grand Line, if not in the world. It wasn't as if she didn't love them; they were her nakama and she cared for all of them deeply. However, when she was awakened at 4:00 a.m. to the sound of a small explosion and a puff of brightly-colored smoke wafting through the vent to her room, or when her mikan grove was invaded for the fourth time in a day, or when a set of ridiculously oversized weights was blocking her sun, or when the enamored fawning became just a little too extravagant to bear, Nami had to throw herself down on her bed and tear at her hair and scream into her pillow and wonder what Bellemere-san must be thinking of her unfortunate younger daughter, whom she taught to be strong and never yield to the will of men, even by failing to cope with their stupidity.

On one such afternoon, Nami sat at the bar in her room with her head in her hands, wishing that she had a female crewmate to share her troubles with. Vivi had been good to talk to when he had been with them, but the princess had been more of a listener than a contributor. Nami understood this; after all, most if not all of Vivi's childhood friends had been male, her Baroque Works partner was a man, and she had been raised by a single father and three male guardians. It made sense that the girl would be less susceptible to and aware of the perils of male stupidity.

However, Nami reflected with a smirk, it had been worth the time and energy of a wasted rant to see the younger girl duck her head in a poor attempt to disguise a blush at the mention of the resident swordsman's name.

But she was getting away from the topic. The point was that Nami was sorely in need of a good rant, and something had to be done before she went completely out of her mind. She pondered her predicament for a few minutes before coming to a decision that just might save her, at which point she stood up, fixed her hair, and stomped up the ladder leading to the upper deck.

"There you are, my dear Nami-san!" Sanji proclaimed happily, twirling over to her. "Can I get anything for you?"

"Stupid love cook," Zoro grumbled, turning over to find a better napping position.

"Hey Nami, can I have a mikan?" Luffy called, waving at her from the figurehead.

"Are you okay, Nami?" Chopper asked, blinking up at her as she stomped past. "Your face looks kind of red…"

"USOPP!" Nami screamed, having reached the center of the ship, where screams tended to reach the farthest.

"Yes, Nami?" the sniper replied, somewhat warily, from the crow's nest.

"GET DOWN HERE," the redhead shouted up at him.

Usopp ducked down, effectively hiding himself. "Usopp is not here. He is out defeating powerful enemies and conquering new lands and seducing beautiful women…"

"I said," Nami stated, squinting with nearly enough malice to burn through the wall of the crow's nest, "get down here."

"…yes, Nami," Usopp said quietly, climbing down the mast with the speed of an aging snail. When he reached the deck, Nami grabbed him by the nose and hauled him back to the women's quarters, ignoring his whimpers of pain and protest and the stares of confusion from the others.

"Sit," she snapped, shoving Usopp at the sofa. He sat, looking as though he expected to be executed shortly.

Nami flung open her wardrobe and shoved clothing aside until she found a dress, one that was yellow and frilly and that she didn't plan on wearing ever again. She yanked it out and tossed it at Usopp. "Put this on," she ordered, her expression leaving no room for argument. The sniper looked at the garment in his lap, bewildered, and then back up at the navigator. He paled when he saw her face, and slowly, nervously pulled the dress on over his head. "Now take off the bandana," Nami commanded. Usopp complied, still looking as though he were about to be killed.

Nami observed the rumpled, uneasy marksman sitting on her sofa for a moment before nodding decisively and sitting down on a stool in front of him. "Now," she said, switching from her threat face to her business face, "listen carefully and agree with everything I say. Don't ask any questions. If you do a good job, I'll pay you when I'm done talking. Got it?"

Usopp nodded, relieved that Nami was not, apparently, going to kill him.

"Okay," said Nami, crossing her legs and looking the sniper in the eye. "Men are idiots."

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean," Usopp said automatically, nodding.

"I am so tired of Sanji fawning over me. I mean, most of the time it's nice; it's like having my own personal waiter, and I know he's just trying to be nice and all, but sometimes I feel like I can't even get a minute to myself! And Luffy? Don't even get me started. I know his brain is made out of rubber, but sometimes I just want to throw him overboard. He drives me crazy, bouncing all over the place and having screaming contests with Chopper. Zoro naps all the time, and when he doesn't, he lifts weights like a madman. Someone needs to tell him that there's more to life than eating, sleeping and fighting– and by the way, he and Sanji beating each other up all the time? Get a room, guys, come on."

"That's exactly what I…what?" Usopp said, but Nami was off again, and he nearly nodded his head off his shoulders trying to keep up.

Some time later, Nami stopped talking and gave Usopp a minute to get his bearings before saying "Well, I feel _much_ better. You can go."

"But what about–"

"I said," Nami snapped, looming over the marksman, "you can go."

Usopp left, tripping over the hem of the dress in his rush to do so.

Half an hour later, Nami emerged from her room in a bathing suit and arranged herself on a deck chair to catch some sun, allowing Sanji to bring her a drink and tell her what a beautiful angel she was. She sipped her drink and sighed happily, hardly noticing Zoro's snores or Luffy's complaints of hunger, simply enjoying the day until Chopper approached and tapped her shoulder.

"Um, Nami?" the doctor inquired as Nami lifted her sunglasses to look at him. "Why is Usopp sitting in a corner crying and wearing your dress?"

"Oh, he was just helping me out with something," the navigator said sweetly, patting Chopper on the top of his hat.

_Yes, men really are stupid_, Nami thought with a smirk, _but it's nothing I can't handle._


End file.
